Be Yourself

Have you ever stopped, looked back, and wondered where you went? Have you ever felt like you lost part of yourself along the way? Has it ever been the most important part of you? Recently, a six-month relationship ended for me. When it was all over, I started thinking about myself and reevaluating who I was and who I wanted to be. I realized that I had slowly been slipping away and was being replaced by someone I didn't necessarily recognize or like, even. The fun was starting to drain out of me. As summer vacation hit and I kept busy (in a successful attempt to beat off the summer blues), I started remembering things I used to like. For example -- Dharma and Greg. It's this old T.V. show that I used to just love. I'd watch it with my Mom before she would watch Malcolm in the Middle and I would go to bed. It was funny and sweet and it made me feel like I had the power to do anything. There was nothing Dharma couldn't or didn't do, even when other people tried to dissuade her or put her down. That show was actually the reason I chose this screen name -- that, and the fact that I actually know and like the concept of "dharma" in Indian philosophy. Oh, and after I started watching LOST, it also became a LOST joke. . .I was a Dharma Initiative girl. But I always wanted to be like Dharma from Dharma and Greg. And for the most part, I was. I loved to try new things, meet new people, learn new stuff. . .like my best friend told me this past weekend, I'm always game for stuff. I could always be counted on to let my imagination wander. Then, after rewatching Season 1 of Dharma and Greg, I started rereading Calvin and Hobbes. When I was a kid, there were two sets of fictional characters I wanted to be like: Scout from "To Kill A Mockingbird" and Calvin and Hobbes. Half the time I was Calvin, the other half of the time I was Hobbes (but I wanted to be Scout all the time). In rereading those books, it made me wonder where that element of my life had gone. It seemed like I was always in some kind of stressed-out funk these days. Then I started thinking about who I had been hanging around with recently: other stressed-out people in funks; negative people; people with mean senses of humor, instead of fun ones; or worse yet, people with hardly any sense of humor or adventure. I had often wondered why I had trouble really understanding these people I was starting to hang out with. . .why I always seemed to think their jokes weren't funny but mine were, and why they always seemed to be unhappy. You could chalk it up to their major, but I knew other people in that same major who were how I used to be, and how I wanted to be again. I guess, ultimately, that's just the way they were. There's nothing wrong with it -- it's just not for me. And slowly but surely, they were sucking me into what would have been for me a black vortex of despair and doom. I honestly believe I would've become a workaholic who only knew how to be cynical and didn't know what a fulfilling relationship was. Well, I do know what a fulfilling relationship is, and I do know that I refuse to be dragged down into the void of unhappiness. This is my life to do with what I please. It's not like I have to stop hanging out with those people. For all this description of negativity and despair they are all still really great people. It's just that I have to make sure I can hold on to the person I really want to be. Who do I want to be? Someone who's hard-working and upstanding, who can laugh long, hard, and frequently, and who loves what she does and has a hankering for adventure and excitement. Anything is possible. People are always telling you to "be yourself". I agree it's a good idea, but I think they overlook the need to conform and the need to be accepted by the people of whom you think highly. All of that can lead to a slow disintegration of who you are inside. I think it is possible to change, especially if you've got your eyes shut tight against seeing what's actually happening. So I'm going back to who I was and taking the time to find out who exactly that person was. I am doing what I want without a second glance. I am leaving behind negativity, insecurity, and meanness. I am turning over a new leaf and looking at the beauty beneath it. It's time for an adventure -- go out there and actually be yourself and I'm sure you'll find one.

I Bought Some Roses So I Could Slow Down and Smell Them

Every year at this time, there's never enough time for anything. Once the end of October hits, it's literaly a hop, skip, and a jump away from New Year's. I don't know how it happens, but I blink and miss a week. This year, it's going especially fast. I have so much to do, between homework, friends, holiday plans, and romance. Yes, for now I have someone to spend Friday nights with who is not my roommate. We'll see what happens, but for now I decided I needed to slow down a litte. This is one of the most beautiful times of year, when the leaves change in October, then when the snow comes in November and December. It's the time of year when we're all supposed to spend our time relaxing, sipping egg nog lattes, hanging out with our loved ones, and making snow angels, but how many of us really make that the focus of our winters? I guess it's never been like that -- there's always something to do. But maybe we've lost even that little part of fun we used to have. Maybe fun has been relegated to the background. Maybe that's what's wrong with our society. We need to take time out to dance around our apartments when no one else is home (guilty as charged), take a field trip with some friends to stargaze, or have a long conversation over hot chocolate with a relative. So, tonight, I'm taking time out to smell some lovely roses I bought (and put in two coffee cups since my vase is out on loan), make dinner for some friends, and then snuggle with someone special. Now I put it in your hands. Go find a snuggle buddy. Go drink an apple cider. Go call up your grandma. Go. Go now. :)

Here It Is, Folks

This is it -- the end of another school year. Whew! I made it again! Every year I'm worrying that either one of my internal organs will burst, spewing gunk into really hard to clean out places, or that my head will implode. And I'm never sure which is better -- implosion or explosion. But this year (sort of like all the others), there had been nothing of the kind so far. Although, all bets are off on the whole explosion thing if this guy texts me one more time about his paper. I'm almost finished -- let me be. A lot of great things are coming to an end -- the fifth season of LOST, laid-back summers (I have to start my senior paper this summer), the freedom of my best friend (who is planning on going into the Marines), and Staci as my roommate. She is pursuing other options as an intern for Disney, in L.A., next semester, so I will be living with my other friends, Alex and Jackie. Two years of living with the same person -- things certainly will be different. At this point, too, in my life, a lot of things are changing. It's crunch time. I now have to actually think about when I'll be graduating, and what I want to do with the rest of my life. At least I have four or five ideas of what I want to do when I get out into the big, bad real world. I guess we'll all have to wait and see what happens! Until then -- here's to getting to keep all my internal organs intact!

My Bestie

So, tonight, I called one of my best friends, and he kind of dropped a big bombshell on me. He told me that he was thinking seriously about signing up with the Marines. He had been trying to get this Navy ROTC scholarship, and I was okay with that, because from my uninformed civilian mindset, the navy was fairly safe, and he would be in some kind of officer position and probably wouldn't be sent anywhere dangerous. I was getting used to that when he came and told me about this. He says he will still be an officer (so there's that), but that he would probably have to spend more time enlisted. For example, in one of the programs, he would serve until he was twenty (two years for him), go to school (all expenses paid) for four years, and then serve for another four years. I'm not sure how well I'm liking this. He's my bestie, we've been through a lot together, and I love him. So few people know me like he does, and I'm having such a hard time fathoming what's happening. I can't help it. . .I just keep thinking about what would happen if he got seriously hurt, or, much much worse, died. I don't want him to die now. I want us to be friends forever and to still be teasing each other and listening to Nirvana when we're in rocking chairs on the porch of old age. I can't imagine my life without him (or any of my best friends, for that matter). To me, it's one thing if people drift apart, because, while it's sad, there's always the possibility of becoming good friends with them again, and you know they'll always be there. If he's in the military, especially in the Marine Corps, the possibility that someone will take him away forever is a very real, daily thing I will be struggling with. I mean, yeah, I hate the idea that he wants to be a pilot and would probably be dropping bombs on people, like innocent men, women, and children, but worse to me is the idea that someone might drop one on him in return someday. I've heard President Obama wants to send something like between six and ten thousand troops into Afghanistan (or more), but we're not even done in Iraq, and who says that this venture in Afghanistan will ever bear fruit? How do we know that democracy can work? There are other ways than ours, and what if we shouldn't be imposing our path to freedom on them? I know we think this is the only way and try and hold up historical examples like Stalin and Castro and Chairman Mao to support our statements, but is that really true? Or do we say it because we're unsure, and it makes us feel better? You know, he said he wants to fight for his country, but do I want him to fight for our country? Am I willing to potentially sacrifice my best friend for something that may be a failure before it even begins? Maybe it won't, but this is my bestie. And if it's not my bestie, it's someone else's. It's someone's brother, sister, mother, father, cousin, aunt, uncle. friend, husband, wife, child, and the other side has just as many mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers and aunts and uncles and cousins and friends and spouses, and I guess I just don't understand. I'm trying to. I do support him because he's my friend and I'll always be on his side, I guess I just wish he wouldn't do stuff like this. You know, too, last semester, I had this one professor for my Civil War history class. He was in a wheelchair because he had no legs. He also had lots of old scars on his arms that we could still see. He was a Marine. As he put it, he had "one bad day in Vietnam". All I can think of when my friend tells me he wants to go into the Marine Corps is this image of him in a wheelchair with no legs. I'm sorry; I feel kind of selfish to want my friend to have all his limbs and to not be scarred physically or emotionally when there are so many people in much worse situations living their lives, but I can't help it. I will worry every day. I just can't help it.

For My Mommy's Entertainment

Another video featuring the talented and versatile Michael Emerson.

LOST

I love LOST. I am addicted. It is my own personal drug. I am especially in love with Benjamin Linus. Don't ask why, I can't exmplain it. I've stopped trying. Anyhow, here are five "Secrets of LOST" from Jimmy Kimmel Live, who is himself a huge fan of the show.

Bored College Students on Halloween

On Halloween, the weather was so nice, one of my roommmates and I decided to go out and take some fun pictures. We went again on Sunday because she didn't get everything she wanted on Friday. . .the light was dying. Enjoy!