Be Yourself

Have you ever stopped, looked back, and wondered where you went? Have you ever felt like you lost part of yourself along the way? Has it ever been the most important part of you? Recently, a six-month relationship ended for me. When it was all over, I started thinking about myself and reevaluating who I was and who I wanted to be. I realized that I had slowly been slipping away and was being replaced by someone I didn't necessarily recognize or like, even. The fun was starting to drain out of me. As summer vacation hit and I kept busy (in a successful attempt to beat off the summer blues), I started remembering things I used to like. For example -- Dharma and Greg. It's this old T.V. show that I used to just love. I'd watch it with my Mom before she would watch Malcolm in the Middle and I would go to bed. It was funny and sweet and it made me feel like I had the power to do anything. There was nothing Dharma couldn't or didn't do, even when other people tried to dissuade her or put her down. That show was actually the reason I chose this screen name -- that, and the fact that I actually know and like the concept of "dharma" in Indian philosophy. Oh, and after I started watching LOST, it also became a LOST joke. . .I was a Dharma Initiative girl. But I always wanted to be like Dharma from Dharma and Greg. And for the most part, I was. I loved to try new things, meet new people, learn new stuff. . .like my best friend told me this past weekend, I'm always game for stuff. I could always be counted on to let my imagination wander. Then, after rewatching Season 1 of Dharma and Greg, I started rereading Calvin and Hobbes. When I was a kid, there were two sets of fictional characters I wanted to be like: Scout from "To Kill A Mockingbird" and Calvin and Hobbes. Half the time I was Calvin, the other half of the time I was Hobbes (but I wanted to be Scout all the time). In rereading those books, it made me wonder where that element of my life had gone. It seemed like I was always in some kind of stressed-out funk these days. Then I started thinking about who I had been hanging around with recently: other stressed-out people in funks; negative people; people with mean senses of humor, instead of fun ones; or worse yet, people with hardly any sense of humor or adventure. I had often wondered why I had trouble really understanding these people I was starting to hang out with. . .why I always seemed to think their jokes weren't funny but mine were, and why they always seemed to be unhappy. You could chalk it up to their major, but I knew other people in that same major who were how I used to be, and how I wanted to be again. I guess, ultimately, that's just the way they were. There's nothing wrong with it -- it's just not for me. And slowly but surely, they were sucking me into what would have been for me a black vortex of despair and doom. I honestly believe I would've become a workaholic who only knew how to be cynical and didn't know what a fulfilling relationship was. Well, I do know what a fulfilling relationship is, and I do know that I refuse to be dragged down into the void of unhappiness. This is my life to do with what I please. It's not like I have to stop hanging out with those people. For all this description of negativity and despair they are all still really great people. It's just that I have to make sure I can hold on to the person I really want to be. Who do I want to be? Someone who's hard-working and upstanding, who can laugh long, hard, and frequently, and who loves what she does and has a hankering for adventure and excitement. Anything is possible. People are always telling you to "be yourself". I agree it's a good idea, but I think they overlook the need to conform and the need to be accepted by the people of whom you think highly. All of that can lead to a slow disintegration of who you are inside. I think it is possible to change, especially if you've got your eyes shut tight against seeing what's actually happening. So I'm going back to who I was and taking the time to find out who exactly that person was. I am doing what I want without a second glance. I am leaving behind negativity, insecurity, and meanness. I am turning over a new leaf and looking at the beauty beneath it. It's time for an adventure -- go out there and actually be yourself and I'm sure you'll find one.